It's been almost a month now of teaching, and I've mostly gotten used to the new rhythm of my days, but it also means my days are spent walking slowly around a classroom or sitting on my butt reading or writing. And I'm feeling the lack of exercise. Not that I ever was a fitness nut or gym rat, but over the years I've found that I really need a certain amount of movement happening most days or I get sluggish and tired. Oh, and I gain weight.

Unfortunately, that's where I am, now, with very little space to fit in exercise with everything else I have to do these days. But I'm going to try, and I thought I'd start with getting back into the yoga practice that I had going fairly well a few years ago, but stopped and not restarted after various life- and schedule-changes.

But thinking about integrating yoga back into my life has also gotten me thinking about how yoga relates to everything else, too. Because yoga has everything to do with awareness - awareness of your physical state, but also an awareness of your emotional and mental state, too. I think my experience with yoga has allowed me to be a better teacher; for example, I've been able to notice when I'm getting impatient with a student for not catching on to a math concept, even after I've explained it three, four, five times or more. I can simply notice and acknowledge the impatience, but also acknowledge that getting impatient with my student won't help her understand any faster, and that she deserves better than for me to vent my impatience on her when she's honestly trying to grasp the idea. That allows me to take a breath, and explain the concept yet again, in as different terms and approach as I can think of.

I can manage that emotional awareness, at least most of the time, but I'm still struggling with the physical awareness. I get impatient with myself when I'm doing asana practice, and I still have a hard time keeping my awareness on my body and breath for more than about 30 seconds at a time before my mind wanders. I'm also trying to pay more attention to what my body is telling me about hunger and thirst, so that I'm not on a "diet" but rather practicing mindfulness and eating only when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm not, instead of eating because it's there, or because I'm bored.

In his excellent book on yogic philosophy called The Wisdom of Yoga Stephen Cope talks about how often it happens that someone comes to his yoga classes, and the person seems to have absolutely no awareness of anything below the neck. And it's no surprise, really. In Western society we're taught to live in our heads, and that our bodies are really just for transporting our heads around.

Which brings us to the food issue. We get such mixed messages; we get unhealthy, processed food pushed at us constantly, but we're also told to not eat to stay thin, or eat in a strict, disciplined and scientifically balanced diet. We're taught a dysfunctional, love/hate relationship with both food and our bodies.

It's kind of like taking a child, and as she's growing up, having her see and experience only abusive, dysfunctional and controling relationships. Then, when she's grown up, heaping guilt upon her for not being able to sustain a healthy and balanced relationship with another person. I mean really, is it any wonder? And yet, that's exactly what's happening with the whole diet/weight loss/exercise industry. They're teaching and perpetuating dysfunctional, abusive relationships, and then heaping guilt (along with the entertainment industry) for not suceeding at having a "perfect" body. I mean, WTF? Why are we still all listening to these people?

Ok, I'll stop ranting now.

But my point is, we're taught to pay attention to the teacher. We're taught to pay attention to how others percieve us (aka self-consciousness). We're taught to pay attention to duties and responsibilities and jobs. We're not taught to pay attention to our own internal processes.

Why not? That's what I'd like to know.